Valentine's Day

Sometimes I wonder if I've doomed myself to a lifetime of worry about the future. And I'm well aware that that's a pointless loop...because if I'm always worrying about the future, then there will come a time with no future, and all the worrying will have been for nothing, as it always is.

It's part of my build to constantly fret over the big and little things. Getting old, dying, going into caves, getting on an airplane, anything! My worry cannot define me. If I can't completely eliminate it, I have to at least learn to suppress it and not allow it to limit me. Me, of all people -- I should know that it's the moments that count. The moments that build life and make it worth all the suffering. That every little special thing it brings, that everyone I care about -- while they're all fleeting -- are what makes it beautiful. It instantly brings tears to my eyes to think that one day I will be without my parents. And each great memory I have with them makes that even harder. But I wouldn't trade those in to not feel the pain.

I can't be one of those people who is driven crazy by their own thoughts. I refuse to compromise my sanity and perspective with irrational thought and unnecessary worry. I am just hoping that this is a youthful phase that will pass, and that I'll be able to start re-living my life the way I used to. Going on trips with little hesitation. Not having panic attacks. Being the self I used to know... the self that's at the heart of who I am.

Padraic is the one. No matter the differences we have, no matter the hard times we may go through, no matter the distance -- I need him in my life forever. There is no one else who fills so many places in my soul. No one else who makes me laugh til I feel like puking; who cares for me incredibly; who engages himself in meaningful, lengthy conversations with me; who looks at me in a way I can't explain; who holds me in his arms like he holds me in his heart; and who shares a part of me that can't be totally full without him.

It's the first Valentine's Day of my life on which I've had a valentine, but he's 1682 miles away. Oh well. At least I know I will never have a Singles' Awareness Day again in my life!

I'm going to try to actually fall asleep now. Before midnight for once.

No news from Santa Cruz. Darn.