Kids?

Recently I've been thinking about having children. Not like, "Yeah, I'm thinking of having children sometime soon!" I've just been considering the concept. I guess it hadn't really occurred to me before last year that most people's purpose in life is to have kids. I always thought it was optional. By that I don't mean that we're all forced to reproduce, but that we're sort of socially obligated to do so by others – and maybe ourselves.

As I've said in the past, the only reasons I'd ever want children are:

1.) To see what genetic traits they'd inherit (talents, appearance, etc.)
2.) To have someone to care for me when I'm old
3.) To let my parents have grandchildren
4.) To pass on my last name (potentially)

Other than those fairly selfish reasons, I see having children as the following:

1.) No life or time for 15 - 18 years. And I don't mean that I'd prefer to be clubbing 24/7 – I'm someone who likes quiet time and personal space, and I need time for reflection and creative output, which can only be done alone.
2.) Spending a lot of money. Having grown up going to private school, I'm not sure I could let my child go to public school (unless it's one with a good reputation) simply because I'd compare the differences too often. I know that public school, too, can be right for some children, and that sending them to a private school may not be the appropriate choice anyway. But if I had it my way, I would send them to private school. And then there's college. Not to mention all the added expenses that are just inherent to raising a child. My interests are already expensive.
3.) Being constantly impatient or annoyed.
4.) Being in love gets placed on the back burner.
5.) Gross and painful.

The question becomes: what will I put into the world? Which part of myself do I want to immortalize?

All I know is: I want to continue to enjoy "my story."

I have already found happiness in this life.

One more thing

I've been thinking about making friends. I guess you could say I'm lonely. But not suffering. While I avoid social contact, there's a part of me that fights that. What I've kind of been realizing is that I have very specific criteria for friends, and I'm starting to think that I won't find any new ones this year. Who knows. Maybe just that "walk-to-and-from-class-with" type of friend, but I don't think anything more substantial.

In a friendship, I need to be able to be totally myself. Be able to express all my opinions without fear of rejection. For example, H and I don't really work out primarily because I internally disapprove of everything she does, but I can't say so. She wants me to enjoy those things, but I never will. She's the dominant one in the relationship, and I think that's mainly because all the "bad" things she does put her in that position. It shouldn't be like that, but it is.

So yeah, I need a friend who I'm totally comfortable with and am equal to if not dominant. I don't like the word dominant, but it does exist in every relationship.

That's all.

lately

-On September 5th, I started working at TTC. It's an all right job. Good pay, but the location and the lack of firm scheduling are a bit inconvenient.

-Padraic is coming on October 10th, and today I just bought my plane ticket to go out there on December 27th. It was really nice of my parents to have me get the better flight (SJ to Houston to ICT) and make up the difference from the Denver one (since it'll be winter). So I'm only paying $288 instead of $491.

-Today I felt creatively hollow. And by that I mean that I had so much creative energy flowing with nowhere to go with it. I painted something (poppies on a blue background). Yet I wanted to do much more – specifically video and photography. I just felt that I had exhausted the beauty/interest out of my ordinary surroundings and didn't know where to look for more.

-De Anza is all right. Good classes. But I feel out of place. Anything I say to elaborate on that will probably just sound arrogant, so I'll skip that.

-I'd really love to go to Colorado sometime in the fall. I'm just craving those yellow aspens and birches.

-Worked for Harker this week. Finally copy editing! Yipppeeee!

-My room is YELLOW. And I love it. It's still so clean, too.

-Oh, and I got paid today. $187.74. Woot.

Videos I find profound

So, after discovering yet another video that I love, I decided to make a collection on here of all the videos I've found online that I consider extremely poignant.

1. story for tomorrow (the two questions and the music give me chills)
  a story for tomorrow. from gnarly bay productions, Inc. on Vimeo.

2. Radiolab's videos: Moments, Words, and Symmetry (chills chills chills)







3. Butterfly Circus (very touching story)

The Butterfly Circus - HD from The Butterfly Circus on Vimeo.

4. How to Be Alone (just some nice advice presented in a beautiful way)



5. The Frontier Is Everywhere

30 Things I'll (Probably) Never Do

People always make lists of things they'd like to do. So why not make one of things I'll never do? (Or so I say...)

1. Buy a gun (or any weaponry)
2. Wear a pantsuit
3. Enjoy a tomato
4. Swim the English Channel
5. Lick a frozen pole
6. Shave my head
7. Buy a PC
8. Eat an extremely spicy pepper
9. Get in a physical fight
10. Break up with Padraic
11. Do any kind of drug
12. Floss everyday
13. Delete my Facebook (it will be interesting to see how this ends up...)
14. Rock climb something difficult
15. Go in a submarine
16. Climb Mt. Everest
17. Paint a wall hot pink
18. Learn an indigenous language fluently
19. Get anything other than my ears pierced
20. Join the Peace Corps
21. Star in a movie
22. Meet my birthfather
23. Play the flute
24. Go to space
25. Get struck by lightning
26. Win the lottery
27. Dye my hair platinum blonde
28. Have chicken pox
29. Run for a political position
30. Stop picking my nails

flashes flitting through the sky. as a crowd to the flash of paparazzi i hasten to my window. lights out, shut the computer. possessed by sheer awe, by the fierce elegance of these millisecond wonders. for minutes i stare, my lips apart like a broken hinge, involuntarily gasping, oooh-ing, wow-ing.

so is the magic of a stormy night. the otherwise invisible made seen, no longer able to hide in the dark. trees cast their five-o-clock shadows on the 10-o-clock ground. daffodils are baffled by the flickering lights. should they turn inward or out? the clouds break the rules of hide-and-seek – angrily they clash and clamor. arms of frightful ions reach for the nearest staircase, zig-zagging downward to reveal the shrouded players. in the midst of such atmospheric ire, everything prays, some atheistically, and some with the very faith that god's hands themselves are prematurely plucking them up

and they don't want to go

Voy a escribir en español porque no lo he hablado por casi un año (regularmente). Lo hablaba por las dos semanas que estaba en el curso de español, pero el curso era un poquito aburrido y, en mi opinión, inútil. Pues, el punto de escribir ahora es por distinguir mi español de mi francés. Mis "ets" e "ys" son confundidos, y no puedo hablar español sin tratar de hablar francés a la vez. Pero de veras, me impresiona mucho que puedo escribir en español sin la dificultad que anticipaba.

Mi familia y yo vamos a España en menos de un mes. Es muy emocionante. Después, nosotros viajamos (tenía que buscar esa palabra...oy) a la Francia, la Italia, la Suiza, la Austria, y la Alemania. Nosotros vamos en avión de San Francisco a Madrid. Será fantástico.

De todas maneras, Padraic regresa mañana. No veo la hora (I can't wait) de poder hablar con él otra vez. Él es una parte importante de mi vida ahora. Mi alma gemela, mi media naranja (half of an orange...ja ja).

En realidad debo buscar una manera de practicar mi español más diligentemente. Me importa mucho poder hablarlo sin problema. Hecho de menos a Sr. Olivas y Sra. Garcia, y ojalá que pueda tener una clase con ellos otra vez.

El álbum de "Of Monsters and Men" ha salido hoy. Su canción "The Sinking Man" es realmente bonita y tranquila. Me encanta mucho.