returning

well, yet again i've abandoned the blogging world for a while. i seem to always abandon projects/habits/hobbies. at least for a time; i tend to come back.

lately everything's been a struggle. yesterday i had underlying anxiety all day, which was a continuation of the day before, and i finally just exploded last night while talking to tía/my parents. i was talking seriously with both of them about transferring and about living at home and going to community college. i can't believe that's what it's come to.

i'm not sure what i'm willing to compromise to be content or happy. at whitman i can double major. i can take classes outside of those majors, and i overall have more room for exploration. it's a beautiful campus, and i love the fall here, but fall is quickly fading, and soon it will be barren and cold, which fuels my anxiety and could lead to seasonal affective disorder, conveniently abbreviated SAD.

notice that academics are the only thing i'd truly hesitate to compromise. i've been telling myself this morning, or when i come out of my anxious periods, that i need to stay here. that i've gotten this far and that things will get better. i just can't pin down what exactly needs to be done. i've made some friends, no best friends yet, and i've been social, or at least attempted to. i've gotten more sleep lately, and i've been trying to eat better, but that's easier said than done. basically, i'd love to do everything possible to make myself happy here, but ultimately i feel like i'll always want to be close to home. i crave the bay area. i crave my parents and my house and my pets and my neighborhood. the proximity of the mountains and the beach, of the city and the foothills. it's all so accessible and perfect. whitman doesn't have that charm.

what will make me happy here? what will outweigh my desire to be at home? potentially being in a band, or at least making music somehow. maybe being excessively busy to the point that i don't have time to think, but with the way i operate, that seems like it will just build up to the point that i'll feel claustrophobic and overcommitted.

i don't know what to do. will going home solve things? or will i feel even more constrained? my parents would be more concerned about my success that way, i think. especially if i was living at home. they'd be on me about everything all the time. but i feel like i'd be healthier, physically and emotionally.

what about all the things that *A said about being ready for college? about believing that i was ready and would succeed? what if by going home i'd be taking the easy way out? i just can't imagine changing my life's schedule, after everything harker has programmed me to want. but i know that life takes unexpected turns and that what seems right doesn't always end up staying that way.

anyway, things with *P have been good. 44 days until i see him in december :) we are going to have so much fun. we get to spend new year's together, go to yosemite, maybe disneyland, and just explore everything around the bay area. i can't wait to share that together. and when i worry about his emotional problems and our compatibility, and then i have days like yesterday, i think, "we aren't so different after all." my anxiety/agoraphobia is almost parallel to his mood swings. we're both human. i just want us both to be okay, and i don't want him to "swallow" my problems, too.

i love him. moreso every day. even on the bad days. i never fathomed i could be so comfortable around a guy i like, especially in a matter of weeks to months. sunday was our one-month official "anniversary," though it sounds pathetic to call one month of being "together" while separated by 1682 miles an anniversary. though in some ways online/distance stuff is harder to maintain than it would be in person because problems are more easily misinterpreted or exaggerated online. and saturday was 4 months of knowing each other. crazy.

cool words i learned today:

1. syzygy: an alignment of three objects. for example, the sun, moon, earth during an eclipse.

2. quincunx: the geometrical pattern of 5 coplanar points, like the 5 side of a die.

going to psych now.