(where i'm currently sitting)
It's currently Wednesday lunch, and I just had the amazing realization that I have nothing to do. Well, nothing that I can do. I should technically finish my biweekly calc assignment, but right now I'm not really capable of doing so because it's really hard.
I feel like how I feel right now is how I should have been feeling and should continue to feel all of second semester. It was like everything just vanished in an instant. I finished the first draft of my paper, and I took a math test (which was hard). Poof.
John is at BLD practicing for a concert tomorrow, and Alice is at improv. I am actually really happy to have some alone time in the library.
I really, really, really want to write a novel/short story. The closest I've come to that is the title-less one I've been working on for years. And part of me says stick with that one, and the other part says I've outgrown it.
I just need ideas...I have ideas, but how to put them all together...
I love writing, and I need something big to channel it into.
By the way, I got into UC Santa Cruz yesterday, and from now on is when I'll start hearing from the rest of the colleges.
I haven't been very emotionally stable lately. I'm pretty irritable and kind of bitchy, and I've taken it out a little on my parents, which I am sad about. They're the two people who aren't pissing me off right now (apart from the party incident), and they're so...nice...even when I'm mean.
I think I've cried 5 times in the past week. Thursday through Saturday (twice on Saturday) and then last night. Last night was an emotional flurry of a lot of things. I was texting Ankur, and just before that I'd had a conversation with John that wasn't a fight, but it was me realizing that I'm ruining our friendship. So I told Ankur about that and my other guy issues, and then I realized that a lot of what was making me sad was a lack of being appreciated.
Not to be selfish, but I wish more people did nice things for me. Or just nice things in general. I write people songs, make them desserts, make them crocheted things, write poems about them, make paintings for or of them, take pictures of them (well, okay, that's mainly for myself), volunteer, and just give my soul to them completely. And I don't do these things to be on people's good sides, or to make them like me, or whatever. I do it because I love and/or respect them a lot, and expressing that comes in the form of these artistic things.
I'm not saying that I need a friend or romantic interest to write me an epic poem of adoration or compose a 10 page sonata. That happens to be how I would say I care about someone (well, maybe exaggerated in terms of length), but I just wish someone would do something like that for me. Something that shows a deep appreciation for me. Not because I think I deserve praise, but because I feel lonely. I just want a sort of spiritual companionship, a friend or boyfriend who is like me in the sense that they express their appreciation of friendship or romance. I mean, I would be touched if Joe*, for instance, wrote me a really bad guitar song or drew me a distorted picture of a vase of flowers of something! Just the thought, not the ability. The sad part is that I think people are just too lazy and/or busy these days. They're too swept up by whatever they're doing to appreciate those around them (and I'm not just talking about me!)...they forget about their families and friends until it's too late to realize how much they've meant to them all these years.
Now that I've ranted this much, I'm going to photography, where I will likely return to this blog.
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