Anyway, I was in church today -_- the one Sunday of the month that I go to church because I was, of course, performing. The sermons don't usually speak that much to me since they are, after all, about Jesus (no offense, Alice). But today, it was about worrying. Worrying nonstop about things and other people. I liked what he was saying about staying in the present and worrying about current issues, versus those of tomorrow (aka how I view homework--procrastinating it until it's absolutely necessary). The point is...I started thinking about fear and worrying and was wondering the following:
Is all uncertainty derived from a fear of death? Are we scared of speaking in front of people...or taking a test...or interacting with the cashier at Safeway...because it could somehow be humiliating enough to kill us? Or are we more concerned about our mortal existence? Do we qualify actions as good or bad based on how conducive they are to staying alive?
However, I think it's important to say that the fear of death is more a fear of the unknown, or a fear of pain and suffering. The actual seconds of death aren't a big deal (I wouldn't know).
I believe that there are two types of fear: innate, primal fear; and societally induced, intellectual fear. The two obvious examples, respectfully:
1.) The fear of skydiving, for instance. There is obviously a risk associated with skydiving, and you are falling from the sky, and you probably associate falling with death, to some degree. But the likelihood is that you'll survive.
2.) The fear of not getting into a "prestigious" college. Getting a degree from ANY college will already put you ahead of the majority of the population, and there shouldn't be much fear of death in there, since you'll get a job and be able to sustain yourself. The fact that you're scared of being rejected from an Ivy League school or one of the same caliber is directly related to how people will react to you, like you'll somehow be less of a person if you go to UC Irvine instead of Stanford. Which isn't true.
Personal examples:
1.) Innate, Primal Fear:
From 8th to about halfway through 10th grade, I had an intense, irrational fear of throwing up. It was my response to being anxious--any time i felt some kind of stress, I almost instantly felt nauseous. The nausea would last up to an hour, and I would never actually throw up. It still happens occasionally. Every time it happens I go into this sort of vulnerable, completely irrationally-minded shell: I think about the future and college and going away and not having my mom sit next to me by the toilet, talking to me to soothe me.
When I'm inside this shell, throwing up equals death, in my mind. It's something I'm intensely avoiding because it will somehow cause me extreme discomfort, or a total mental breakdown, which will lead to death. As I write this, this idea seems insane and, as I've said multiple times, irrational. But I connect throwing up to all bad things, all worries and sicknesses. After all, each time you're sick, you seem more vulnerable to death.
I've never actually looked at this in this way, relating to being associated with death. Is that what I'm fearing? Or is it the unknown in general? I can't say I fear death, but I do fear the suffering that could come with it. And i'm interested in the unknown, not necessarily afraid of it.
2.) Intellectual Fear:
Almost a month ago, I performed a song I'd written for Ms. Smith.* I was extremely nervous to do it in front of her, and it was because I care about her opinion of me and am self-conscious about how I sound. The point is, I was aware that nothing she could say or do would physically harm me, but I was scared of the judgment, I guess. I had written the lyrics and the music, and my music is my true voice, so I was basically "showing her my soul." And she could either accept or reject that, not that she'd flat out say, "Diane, that was terrible" if it was.
What I'm fearing in each of these situations is both irrational and undefined. So what's the point of fear? You'll either die and discover the "unknown," maybe not consciously or in your own body, or come out completely alive, maybe with just a small emotional issue that'll you'll get over.
I think the only fear that is justified is the fear of extreme suffering and pain. Pain is something physical that we can't really escape, no matter how mentally strong you are. Emotional pain can be disciplined, and death is too undefined to worry about.
No comments:
Post a Comment