The Whereabouts of My Mind

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it." -C.S. Lewis

I stumbled upon that quotation on someone's Facebook profile, and I fell in love with it. So, there you go.

I felt it to be relevant to this blog post because I'm kind of struggling with originality right now. I mean, to others it wouldn't look like it. But I'm caring too much about impressions, and this is interfering with what I want to express. I think it's partly due to CollegeAppDisease--what idiosyncrasy will get me into college?

I know I need to submit something musical to college. How can I not? It's the focus of my life. But it seems so daunting right now. I hate the thought of having to go to school and deal with all the dates and deadlines and revealing to Ms. Smith* how horrible of a piano player I really am. I could record stuff by myself; I don't know how well that'd work either. We'll see.

So what is the point of my life then? I've been trying to define a reason for my love of music, but I can't really, other than the feeling it gives me.

I guess I'm just discouraged. Because I didn't have Asian parents who forced me to practice for God knows how many hours a day, I am now inferior, ability-wise, to people my age in the piano-playing department. I never got to join a musical group in high school, and I am truly not that great.

I'm really trying to contemplate the pros and cons of Jack of All Trades vs. Master of One. I can dig myself into a hole of feeling totally inadequate, and in some ways, I really am. But that's me looking at it from the inside, from the "me" point of view. I love what I do from the deepest thread of my heart's atria, but I could be better.

Anyway, that aside, my summer has been wonderful, and I feel totally satisfied going back to school. I've been cranking things out on my apps, and for some strange reason, I love it. I guess because it's the first step toward getting out in the world where I can truly be this new person I've become (not to be tacky in saying that).